The upside of rain is the effect on the petals...

Pride Scotia was today and the rain came on at about 11 am and didn't stop until about 2.30... I walked along Princes Street to go to the Community Fair which was happening at Mood Nightclub but i couldn't stay. It was hot, noisy, busy and i couldn't see the MCC stall at all nor could i cope with trying to find it! So i left again and, before getting the bus home, i went to the Cornerstone Bookshop, bought a book on prayer by Joyce Rupp and some tapers, and then noticed these foxgloves with jewels of rain on them. The anxiety, stress and fatigue left me in peace for several minutes as i photographed the flowers, the cross and then simply absorbed the beauty of the tableau.

Wild Beast at Worship Training

Wild beast cornered
walls, table, chairs, people and belongings
all combine forces
all exits blocked
avenues to escape, to calm, to breathe
barricaded.

Eyes search constantly
lighthouse-lamp rotates
radar seeks out gap
all to no avail, no way out beckons
no cool air disturbs the screen
nothing left to do but wait
chew nervously on paws,
tug at claws,
as if to sharpen
to use to dig way out
away from hunters
who seek out their prey
with words, suggestions,
implications.

They expect you to share
their language, ideas, beliefs
and, though you clearly exhibit
caged animal
they see only
difficult, moody woman
While you climb the walls
only to fall back down
claws torn, limbs bruised
they simply hear you interact,
make observations,
nod,
agree.

You the watch the clock rotate
until it falls off its axis
summoning the end of entrapment
or at least the beginning of the end.

Eyes dart to the door,
scan across the blockade
return to see
a gap appear,
nose quivers as fresh air lures
you
towards
that space
and finally you can climb
the
stairs
again
walking upright on two feet
hand-in-hand with your partner
beast tamed
gradually
by love
safe,
nurturing
you return home.

Solstice Shaman

We carry in our breath

the sighs of the weary
the shouts of the fool

the prayers of the trickster.

In our blood we hold

the anger of the violated

the sorrow of the bereaved

the bitterness of the defeated.

Our bones still remember

the pain of the struggle

the shattering of dreams

the cold shoulders of church.

Memories laid down in our flesh

go unnoticed for a while

the skin shields and hides

the muscles tighten their grip

Until, one night, the briefest of all

Shaman slips unbidden

beneath the sheets.

Her dreams stir your soul

while she rubs your sore back

and, as daybreak brings the solstice dew

she bids you sip from the cup

until the thirst you did not know you had

is slaked and you can remember.

Besieged by busyness

Nan C Merrill is one of my favourite spiritual writers when it comes to writing beautiful poetry (thank you Kerri Mesner for introducing me to her psalms!). Gail has just got hold of a hardback copy of a book that Nan wrote 10 years ago called "Meditations and Mandalas" and she read from it during our prayer time this evening:

Is there no time in our lives

when we are not tested;

when we are free simply to be who we are?

In my early years, i ran with the wind,

i chased butterflies and listened to nature's symphony.

I was free!

Now, all day long i am besieged by busyness,

the business of becoming someone.

But who?

Bring understanding to my heart, O Friend,

before i waste away, or become like a robot!

Like an automaton controlled by others!

I yearn to know myself, to discover my hidden talents,

to develop the strengths that will bring joy,

to become a gift shared with others

that brings blessing.

Awaken me! O loving companion Friend,

awaken me!

Dare i write that i am already a gift shared with others and hopefully bringing blessing? What i lack is the ability to recognise, or perhaps the acceptance, the humility, the self-belief. As Nan says "i am besieged by busyness, the business of becoming someone". If i do not stand and simply stare how do i ever think i will catch up with the potential of who i am, how will i hope to hear the voice of the Divine, let alone the cries of those in need?

I stood in the beautiful sunshine this afternoon for 12 minutes waiting for the bus. While i was there i looked around me at the immense joyous signs of nature bursting out. The tall pines reminiscent of Maine, the gorse bushes inviting yet also reminding me of tumbles from horses!, the sun forcing its way through the branches, and in amongst it all the sounds and sights of graduation.

Busyness rarely seems to lead to a calm and ordered state, at least for me. It simply seems to generate more busyness, more anxiety and thus more exhaustion. What am i prepared to risk? For what ultimate purpose? What is the cost? can i afford it and do i want to pay it?

I simply must find a way out of the siege. Can i develop the necessary skills without expending even more energy, time and money? How about praying some more?!

Who am i? And to whom do i belong? What does it mean to recognise that i belong to the Divine Source of All, the God of Jacob and of Ruth, of John and of Mary, of Mohammed and of the Dalai Lama? Sieges are either resolved, abandoned or lead to death by starvation, battle or stampede. What ending to my siege do i want to write?

Pollyanna gets back on her feet

Just when you think you can't be cheered by anything an opportunity arises... I missed the bus. The sun was shining and i realised that i had time to walk to the Park and Ride in time to catch the next bus rather than simply standing around at the fag-end littered bus-stop on campus. Within moments i was transported into an alternative, happy world by blackbirds raking through the undergrowth, singing high in the trees and other birds darting around gathering insects. The sun was dappled by the leaves and the scents from all the flowers was heady. I meandered along the path taking photographs, got distracted by shadows - mine and various signposts, hedges, etc, and nearly missed the next bus!

So the Glad Game has its place. I do have a side of me that is Pollyanna and i am glad of that! But sometimes one also needs to accept that it isn't appropriate to play the game. Yesterday i was verbally and emotionally abused by a Catholic priest and the only glimmer of gladness about that is that perhaps me reporting him will mean that he doesn't get to do that or worse to anyone else...but i am still left distressed and struggling to accept that following due process is the best way forward.

The lesson for me spiritually is to realise how much trust folk put in the ordained people in our midst. I must ensure that i am always worthy of that trust and respectful of those who come to me. May it be so...

Solstice blues

It's been 6 days since i blogged. I can't believe it. I took far too much on last week and scunnered myself to use a good Scots phrase. The week ended with a trip to Arbroath to run a training course which was a great experience but exhausting. Then i had to do some last-minute reading for the final Queer Events and Identities class (online via Skype from 4-6 pm) and get a service presentation and planning done before bed-time on Saturday. Sunday was spent driving down to Hawick to visit Gail's family. Beautiful weather, lovely garden to sit in and great company. It was the first time i'd met Gail's dad, her brother and his wife and their daughter, and also Gail's grandmother. We were able to sit and chill, watch the various birds visiting the feeders (including siskins, coal tits, fledgling starlings, sparrows) and listen to the humming of the bumble bees covering the hedge. Then it was back up the road in time for me to set up the church and for Gail to go and meet a gay couple whose civil partnership she's going to be photographing.

We built a cairn of remembrance during the service, shared communion in a circle and remembered Stonewall.

I am anxious, tired, struggling. We watched Pollyanna on Saturday night. She plays the Glad Game even after learning that she's going to paralysed after a fall from a tree. I am not always able to be Pollyanna but she is one of my saints...

Swans, grace and honouring commitments

Today i walked along the canal for 20 minutes before getting the bus to work. As usual i tried to simply walk and as usual i had to reach for my camera and pause to capture images! Today it was a pair of swans and their seven cygnets.

Swans mate for life, showing us what true commitment is and how to increase personal integrity through honouring our commitments and seeing things through to their completion... They are graceful, making hardly a ripple as they move through the water and they emanate inner beauty as well as creating beauty for others to see.

The cygnets were calm, trusting that their parents would protect them from any danger and this made them bold and curious, wanting to know more about what we humans are about. The parents know that they must allow their young to explore but they also ensure that we don't overstep any boundaries.

It was an honour, a privilege to be close to this family for a few minutes today. To read more about the swan go to http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/6089/swan-power-animal-symbol-of-inner-grace-balance-commitment

Today has been these moments of grace and also moments of a deep sense of being on the path. But there were also too many moments of anxiety, of chewing my fingers, not breathing well, crying. I struggle to learn my lessons, to say no, to give myself permission to take time out. What do i fear? ...

Work, anxiety and half-birthday balloons!

Back to work today after a 3 week break. Feeling out of touch and not really able to leap into the "stuff" of work. I think i've been in limbo for a very long time and now i'm waiting to see what the consultant says about my neck/shoulder before feeling that i can get on with anything. However there's always plenty to do while in this waiting room - going through emails, chasing up the engineer about my office phone, going for physio treatment and coming back feeling even more sore both in the neck and in the wallet(!), and catching up with what's happening and what is about to happen... This last bit is what makes me particularly anxious as the department is doing its annual review, revisiting major goals, visions, and looking at KPIs (Key Performance Indicators to you and i!)... And i don't know where, or even if, i still fit in - or i guess if i even want to...

Fortunately i am launched up and out of this worry-wartedness by the announcement that it's Gail's half-birthday!!! Whoops! I promised her that i would do something for this occasion, having been out of the country for her 40th birthday and what have i done? Nothing! I forgot and i'm heartbroken. Not only does she have to alert me to the fact but she also has to suggest going out for a meal. What can i do? The house already has 3 vases of flowers - all bought by Gail for me - so i opt for a big helium star-shaped balloon that says "Celebrate!" and i pay for our meal at Pizza Express. I manage to get and quickly write a card too but i now understand the forgetful husband who dashes to the florist, the jeweller, the perfume counter on his way home from work!!! Of course i am in no way suggesting that Gail is the wee wife at home!

So do i have a spiritual message for today? Well without going into detail we have been discussing sex, how it fits into our theology and our struggles with identifying with non-monogamy, non-egalitarian and other behaviours and lifestyles other than our own... And then i read one of the articles i need to read for the course and lo and behold it's Carter Heyward writing about teaching sex in seminary!!! So here's the message:

respect for self and others is an underpinning of justice and peace and is also a primary human expression of the love of God...

To read the whole article, go to "Body and Soul" edited by Marvin M Ellison and Sylvia Thorson-Smith.

Armadillo and Turtle...

Just trying to make sure i get your attention! I have spent time in Texas surrounded by references to, statues of, even soft cuddly toys of, armadilloes but i never actually saw one - alive or dead!

But i came home with a spirit stone with an armadillo on it and it turns out to be exactly the spirit animal i need! The armadillo wears it protection on its back. It symbolises boundaries and teaches how to protect yourself and when to let one's defences down and let others into one's personal space. Well i certainly need those lessons - boundaries are tricky things!

The other animal i "encountered" while away was the turtle. No, of course i didn't meet one but i chose the picture as my image of God and wrote about it in my journal, commenting on how the turtle is mysterious, buries her eggs on the beach then leaves the young to make their own way into the sea, how the turtle has been mistreated, used and abused by humans representing our lack of respect for the earth in general. And now that i'm home Gail, not remembering this journal entry, chose a turtle spirit stone for me! And what does it symbolise? For the detailed answer follow this link: http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/5986/turtle-power-animal-symbol-of-mother-earth-fertility-protection-support-security For an overview - persistence, endurance, honouring the earth, and slowing down!!! The importance of "going within", grounding, nurturing... Guess i need to call in a tribe of turtles AND a hoard of armadilloes!

So i will go to the dreamworld now and hope to encounter my guides. One guide who is always with me is Pookie, my wonderful, wise old one-eyed ginger cat.

Justice needs to roll down like a mighty river

How strong is the dam that humanity has constructed to stop justice flowing? Did we think we could keep justice like a reservoir of water, sipping from it selfishly while the fish below gasp for moisture? Or did we fail to recognise it as justice? So often we seem unable to see the elephant in the room, the skeletons in the cupboard, the starving child on our pavement. And i include myself in that judgment of course. Faith should be the springboard to acting justly in the world but instead it often seems to act as a curtain that i draw across myself so that i can worship in peace, away from images of the harsh reality of the world beyond me.

The photo is of a street in San Antonio, Texas. I was waiting for a bus in the middle of the day with the sun shining harshly, temperatures up to 90 F and no shade. Buses are infrequent but cheap, they are slow but air-conditioned, they are used by the poor, the dispossessed. In Texas if you don't have a car it can take 2 hours to complete a journey which would otherwise only take 20 minutes and it's not advisable to walk - it's too hot and there are patchy sidewalks; if you can't afford smart clothes, a good haircut, deodorant you won't get a job; if you don't work and you fall ill you can easily end up on the streets or living in the woods reduced to stealing from households to stay alive. And who are these people? They are you and me but for the grace of God. Where is the justice in it being someone else and not me? I am no better than those who are poor, homeless, uneducated - i have no rights to the privileges i have in life...

How can i create a rule of life that engages me fully with the world and still gives me space to breathe, rest and be nourished? That's what i'm trying to work on just now... Will you pray with me?

Introduction

Well i guess the polite thing to do is to introduce myself and explain a little about the name of this blog!!!

I am leti - writer, poet, occasional mystic, and ordinand-in-care for ministry with the Metropolitan Community Church. Food and shelter is paid for by working at a university doing health and wellbeing consultations and teaching group exercise as well as freelance work running courses for Paths to Health. Having enjoyed the process of writing a blog for the 40 days leading up to my 40th birthday i have decided to start another blog as part of my spiritual practice of journalling. I hope to write an entry on a daily basis, commenting on my day, making some observations on my spiritual reading, prayer time, therapy... I would love you to accompany me, adding your comments (if you haven't encountered Blogger before simply create an account and you're set!), and praying with me.

So where did the name of the blog come from? I have just returned from Texas where i had travelled to participate in REVM (Readiness to Enter the Vocational Ministry). We were at a church camp in the hill country by the River Guadalupe, which is very popular with folk who go "tubing" down it, so there is a gate between the camp and the river which is kept locked. We were given a key so that we could access the river and we decided to keep the key on top of the piano, the phrase that was used being "the key to the river is on the piano"!!! I wrote it down in my journal immediately and am grateful to the Muse for giving it to me for my blog...

There was a labyrinth at the camp that i walked at dawn, this being the only time of the day that was cool and relatively mosquito-free. It was amazing walking to the sound of cicadas, crickets, cardinals, grackles and with vultures soaring overhead... I walked with an open heart and my question was simple - What should i do? and the answer i was given? Well, it was Wait and see...

Finding the key to the river of life through music, meditation, reading, sharing, loving will perhaps be revealed but i can't force it... I need to keep reminding myself to wait and see...